( rant about my mother that you should seriously skip )

( a meme, to distract myself )

vaginasaurus needs to come home from work and watch Dr. Who with me and cheer me up. Also AHAHAHAHA YOU CHANGED YOUR JOURNAL NAME. Okay, I might be stalking you a little while you're away (TURN AROUND). :D

*sigh*

Happy fourth of July, everyone! Happy excuse to party and blow shit up, more accurately. Also, happy being free of one more stupid politician day, in case you haven't seen that yet.

I was boring and went to work today, because they sent out canvassers yesterday, so there was work for the databasers to do. I'm not partying, although since the fog has burned off, it looks like I'll be going down to the Marina with family to watch the fireworks. They're usually pretty spectacular :)

Except that my brother is getting into a fight with my mother about it. *SIIIIIGH*

Also, btw, I'm going away this weekend for a family reunion in San Louis Obispo. That's going to be a fun trip if they're fighting again.

I expect there to be lots of questions for me to answer in my Q&A meme when I get back, mmkay? :)

Yesterday was okay, except for at the end. I went to a soccer game (San Jose Earthquakes vs. LA Galaxy) which would have been awesome except that my brother's friends were along and I was sitting with the grownups, none of whom know very much at all about soccer. Explaining things got tiring after a while, and I was already tired from forcing myself to go for a jog.

And, well. My dad and I are butting heads much more this summer than usual. I can't tell if he's worse or I am, or if it's both. But for some reason I took everything far harder than I should have. I'm just sick of being so easy to set off even when I'm feeling okay; sometimes I get set off by my parents thinking that I'm doing really well. Mostly because I don't think I'm doing as well as they think I am, and. It's really fucking annoying to hear them sounding so happy about it, as if the other days that I've managed to get through didn't matter as much.

Which is irrational and stupid, I know that. I fucking hate my hormones; none of this should be mattering to me at all. But it does.

I had a dream last night where me and a couple of friends from highschool (I don't remember who they were, only that they were old friends) were all living together, and we were getting slowly killed off one by one. Me and one of the guys were finally the only ones left, and we had some hope of bringing back our other friends if we could find out what had been used to kill them and who had done it. We were searching the house, and then I found a letter from Max (rhymezer) on my bed, and somehow I knew that it was meant to kill me. I remember thinking as I woke up, though, that even though it had Max's name on it, it was really from the guy that I had been searching the house with, who had put a different name on the letter to throw me off the scent.

I don't know what that means. I've had a dream before where Tyler actually succeeded in stabbing me to death, but that was in a completely different situation. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN, YOU GUYS.

On a better note, my brother and I have booked our round trip tickets to Kauai and rented a little loft in the small, secluded town of Anahola. We even found a guy that will rent me a car, even though I'm only twenty; most car rental places won't rent to anyone under twenty-five, even if they have a driver's license. The loft also comes with bikes, boogie boards, and snorkel gear, which is awesome. Now I just have to reserve this one kayak and hike tour -- kayak down a river to a place where you can hike to a waterfall. We may try to go ziplining or horseback riding in the jungle too, idk. But there will definitely be lots of beach time and hiking in the pretty wilderness, also. With no parents!

Also, it looks like the plans for the house where I'll be living for my senior year of college are going to go through. I have printed out the lease and signed it, I just have to put it in the mail. It seems like for the most part my long-term plans are pulling together, even though I haven't gotten a job.

I don't know where I'm at. I'm okay, I guess. I need to stop dreaming about weird shit and scaring myself in the middle of the night so that I can sleep better, I bet that would help with... well, everything.

Well, it was a good day. I went for a walk with Milo and got sunburned, but the rest of me felt awesome when I'd finished, and I got my blood work done. I had lunch with my dad, which was nice, but when we tried to make dinner together, it was a disaster.

The problem, basically, is that my dad represents everything in a person that I never, ever want to become (and that I'm afraid I will become anyway). He's overweight, lazy, barely able to function by himself -- which was the whole reason why we started arguing -- and his marriage is... well, not bad exactly, but it seems like my mom is unhappy and disappointed all the time. Every single time I come home I see him deteriorating even more.

Of course, it blew up over something really stupid: making dinner. I had just showered recently from walking Milo when he asked me to come and help, which was fine, but I didn't want to go to the store because I'd put on pyjamas and done laundry after showering. It wasn't that big a deal, but when I asked him if he could go to the store and get the things we needed, specifying that it was because I was in tired, lazy clothes, he blew up at me.

So I said fuck it, and changed and went to the store on my own, because he was obviously in a bad mood -- but I couldn't help leaving him a little note that said I went. LEARN TO DO SOMETHING ON YOUR OWN FOR ONCE. Which, you know, was a little spiteful, but I felt entirely justified (I haven't been pulling as much weight as I could around the house, BUT NEITHER IS HE, and I'm the one that's actually home to recuperate). But I came home to him yelling "YOUR NOTE SUCKS, YOU LAZY ASS" (yes, he literally said "your note sucks") and telling me to fuck off and he would make dinner himself.

I guess I accomplished something, anyway. Getting angry at the people who think you're a failure is an awfully good motivator, I find.

And it's nice to know that getting insulted by people I don't respect still doesn't affect me. (For the record, I do love my dad. I just don't respect him anymore. :|)


ETA: also, I forgot to point my new friends to my All About Me post! Want to know who you really friended? Take a look. ;)