My love affair with everywhere was innocent, why do you care?

smile like you mean it

2008-07-24T00:29:48Z

AHAHAHA OKAY. The funniest thing just happened. A canvasser for the Democratic National Committee came to my door! Oh, it was hilarious to be on the other side of the conversation, even after canvassing for only a few days. And he had a really quiet observer along with him. I told him that I'd done canvassing for Environment California and it turned out he'd worked there too, and I ended up giving him money and volunteering to help out a little while I'm in Colorado. I can't help it, I'm so sympathetic towards canvassers now!

Also, in even better news, I went to the doctor and she thinks I have just a routine stomach flu type virus, which is only freaking us out so much because of other health problems. I am definitely going to Hawaii. In fact, she said it was the best place for me to be, and that I should really probably go NOW and just relax as much as I can and stay hydrated. So THAT makes me really happy, because canceling the trip would not have made me (nor my brother) very happy.

Of course, having a diagnosis didn't help to settle my stomach, but it's lifted my spirits a bit. And I feel less bad for missing work because she said that it often takes people out for about a week before they start getting better. It's been exactly a week today, so from here on out I should be feeling better.

Well, from the stomach flu, anyway. It looks like I might have PCOS after all; apparently the birth control can normalize testosterone levels. So much for getting my hopes up about that, but in an odd way it makes me feel better, because I had the same gut feeling about it that I do now with the Cushing's. My gut feelings are not always wrong!

And I had a good nap, a proper one, in the middle of the day for about an hour. Maybe I should make a habit of that, at least until I start feeling better. And I should also eat, since I haven't done that much today.

Didn't get to stop at the bookstore, though, because my mother ended up driving me to the doctor; we DID, however, stop at Benjamin Moore and pick out paint colors for when the house gets painted while my brother and I are in Hawaii. I picked out a dark, sort of dusky rose color called raspberry glaze for three walls of my room and a lighter pink called potpourri for the last wall. The ceiling and trim is going to stay white. Very different from my current minty green, but the paint's getting all old and funky and it's definitely time for a change.

Which reminds me! sir_yessir wanted to know about the stuff on my walls on the follow-up Q&A meme thing, but I only have his three questions, which won't make for much of a video. If you have questions, ask them now, because I'll be leaving on Monday for vacation and will hopefully film that before I go (even if I look exhausted and horribly sickly on camera).

Vag, I won't be on until later tonight probably, because I need to do some serious cleaning of my room and reading the books for my paper. But it sounded like you might be going to Comic-Con for preview night, or something? Anyway, I'll be around in three or four hours or so -- depending on how long I last with the cleaning and dinnertime, I guess -- and maybe we can start some QAF. ♥

Everyone else, I really, REALLY hope your week is going better than mine. -hugs the f-list-

just a couple of things...

2008-07-23T17:42:26Z

+ Since I'm stuck at home in bed a lot of the time, I could really use a new book. I haven't gotten properly absorbed in a book in far too long! I have a doctor's appointment at 2:30 today and I'm thinking I might stop at a bookstore on the way back -- not sure which, since Cody's is out of business now, so I might have to look up bookstores that are sort of on the way. I already have 1984 -- my parents had it, and I'm thinking I'll start that this morning -- and I ordered The Fountainhead from Amazon, which will be here on Friday. But I'll need beach reading for Hawaii too, and plane reading, and I'd just really like to have a stock of new, good books to occupy my mind -- maybe that'll get my inspiration back just a bit.

Oh! I forgot that I have The Princess Bride. angelchld3, do you still want to read that along with me?

+ It looks like I should give that package that I tried to send home from CO up for lost. They sent me a very, very belated notice that they'd only found the paper wrapping of it, which had apparently fallen off the package, and I filled out the lost form, but they haven't gotten back to me. I don't think it was insured, unfortunately, and the stuff in it couldn't have added up to more than $20 -- including some things that I don't want to spend money on again, like the Twilight books -- but, whatever.

+ Speaking of packaging I should wrap up another one to send and get that in the mail today. Which is an incredibly boring sentence to put in here, but if I don't write it down I'll forget it.

+ I have an unnatural craving for noodles. Specifically, my grandmother's sesame noodles. I have NO IDEA WHY. (But I am making myself some as soon as I finish this post.)

+ I need something fun to do, Christ.

From breathingbooks:
1. If you could change one life-changing event in the life of someone important to you, would you?

Yes, although it'd be incredibly difficult to think of which one. There are too many things that I wish the people I love didn't have to suffer through. And thank you, question, for not making me choose.

2. Which do you think is easier to do, being friends for many years or being married for many years?

Friends for many years, as far as I know. For me, staying friends with people over long periods of time has mostly been fairly easy; yeah, there are some people I'm not friends with, but the really awesome people in my life have stuck around thus far. I have never tried being married for many years, but I hear it can get difficult not to fall into routine and get boring.

3. Have you ever walked away from someone you considered a friend?

When I was hurt, yeah. Why would I stick around to get hurt more? I usually felt pretty awful about the whole thing afterwards, but not because I walked away. Walking away usually saves me some of the pain.

4. If you had to choose between telling the truth and hurting a friend or lying and making them happy, which would you choose?

It depends what my motives are in the whole thing. If for whatever reason the truth would hurt them enough to drive them away from me (assuming I didn't want that to happen), I might go for lying and make it up to them some other way, because I'm kind of selfish like that. If it was a secret that I happened to stumble upon and didn't relate to me at all, it'd be easier for me to choose to tell them the truth.

5. Which would you rather hear - the truth which will hurt, or the comforting lie?

Definitely the truth. I hate being deceived, especially if it's in an attempt to comfort me. Which is... slightly hypocritical about my last answer, but oh well. I guess I would probably tell the truth eventually, too.

From all_at_once: Choose your favorite fandoms/tv. Answer these questions honestly ~~and then tag 5 people to do the same.~~ I never really tag. If you want to do it, consider yourself tagged!

Supernatural

Favorite Season: Season 2 all the way. I like most of S1, but S2 just has NO BAD EPISODES and there is so much delicious brotherly plot.

Top 10 favorite episodes: Ohhh man this is hard. Let's see.
1. Born Under A Bad Sign. This one will NEVER, EVER fail to make me shiver.
2. Mystery Spot. For mostly the same reason as above, evil/scary Sam and basically the episodes where Jared seriously steps up his game make me OH SO HAPPY.
3. Devil's Trap and In My Time Of Dying. It's hard for me to watch one without the other, and I love BOTH. Especially JDM as the YED, even though I don't normally like JDM. Possessed!Winchesters are just a kink of mine, I guess!
4. Skin. The episode that got me hooked. I like all of the shapeshifter episodes, but this one is... well, the fact that it impersonated Dean makes this ep a little bit special.
5. Dream a little Dream of Me. THIS EPISODE MADE ME SO TWITCHY. And I second what all_at_once said -- WHY HAS THAT MAN NOT BEEN GIVEN AN EMMY YET?
6. What Is And What Should Never Be. I don't understand how people DON'T like this episode. I mean, the insight into Dean's character! And the graveyard scene! Kills me dead every time.
7. Dead Man's Blood. Simply for the Kate/Luther and hot vampirishness :D
8. All Hell Breaks Loose I and II. Again, I can't see one without the other. I love the psychic kids in this episode, even Ava, although what's his face -- the army guy -- is a complete idiot. YOU HURT THE WINCHESTERS, AND YOU EARN MY UNDYING HATRED. Um, except for Meg and the Trickster and... okay, not always, but a lot of the time hurting the Winchesters makes me hate you.
9. Shadow. Um, MEG. Meg ftw.
10. Croatoan. I don't know, I love the concept of a demon virus and the way this was done was just so INTERESTING. Augh I wish I could pick more, these are so not all my favorite episodes.

Top 5 favorite characters:
1. Dean Winchester
2. Sam Winchester
3. Bobby & Ellen (tied)
4. MEG. (Yeah, I have a MAJOR girl crush on her.)
5. The Trickster and Henricksen (also tied).
I also really liked the people that played the seven sins (especially Pride! :D) but I've already cheated and put too many here, having two ties.

Top 5 favorite ships:
1 Dean/Food/Metallicar
2. Sam/Meg (especially when she was possessing him :D)
3. Sam/Sarah (I am especially hoping that there will be evil!Sam/Meg!Sarah in the future. Or that it will get written, at least.)
4. Meg/Ruby (so cracked out and violent and gay and awesome!)
5. Dean/Jo (DON'T STONE ME, I JUST LIKE IT HOW IT WAS WRITTEN! You know, because she had all this unrequited lust for him -- who doesn't? -- and never got what she wanted. There can never really be another lasting love interest for either of the boys, I don't think.)

Top 5 least favorite characters/ships:
1. Wincest (especially Daddycest -- Sam/Dean I can at least sort of believe because they're twisted and fucked up anyway, but I don't want to think about John doing that. Actually, I don't want to think of John in a sexual way at all. -shudders-)
2. CASSIE. Die, bitch, die. Seriously. You FAIL.
3. Bela. ESPECIALLY when shipped with either of the boys -- I mean, c'mon, she shot Sam! And she's not even the ENTERTAINING kind of bitch!
4. Army guy from AHBL. Bah on him.
5. Ruby. Sometimes I like her, most times I don't.

What are you most looking forward to about next season?
Uhh, everything. I'm unspoiled, so I don't know any specifics!

Dr. Who

Favorite Season: 3 and 4.

Top 10 favorite episodes:
1. S4 Finale. Everyone together!
2. Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead. Mostly because they managed to freak me out more than any of the others! Why a LIBRARY, of all places? D:
3. Human Nature/Family of Blood. aslfkdlksfj DAVID TENNANT IN THOSE EPISODES, OMIGOD.
4. The Shakespeare Code. Um, yeah, I AM that much of a dork.
5. The Unicorn and the Wasp. Not that I've read Agatha Christie anytime recently, but that was still really cool!
6. Midnight. In which the Doctor was literally helpless D:
7. Blink. Probably the most original premise, and NICELY HANDLED. Also, the weeping angels are probably my favorite villains in the whole show.
8. Turn Left... oh, DONNA.
10. The Doctor's Daughter. I was really hoping Jenny would come back in the finale :((((

Top 5 favorite characters:
1. the Doctor
2. Donna Noble
3. Martha Jones
4. Rose Tyler
5. Mickey and Donna's granddad, tied.

Top 5 favorite ships:
1 The Doctor/Rose
2. The Three Doctors/Jack (from the finale)
3. The Doctor/Martha (unrequited, obvs)
4. Mickey/Rose (also unrequited, now)
5. The blonde chick and the cyborg from Voyage of the Damned. XP

Top 5 least favorite characters/ships:
1. CYBERMEN. Gah, will they just GO AWAY? They're like the Daleks except... not as cool.
2. The evil kid genius that wanted to kill everyone because no one was as clever as him. C'MON, DUDE. If you'd just pretended to be a normal person for long enough to read a couple books or watch TV, you'd know that that kind of pride trip never ends well.
3. Rose and Martha's mothers get on my nerves a lot of the time.
4. The Master. IDK, I should have liked him probably, but he was just insane. I don't generally like insane people on power trips.
5. The Daleks. Please never ever come back again, kthx.

What are you most looking forward to about next season?
I don't even know if there IS a next season DD:

and what goes around never comes around to you

2008-07-23T08:16:20Z

One last post tonight, because I just KNOW I'll forget this stuff by the morning.

Ahhhh man I have changed my opinions about this show so many times. At first I wasn't particularly impressed; I didn't really identify with Rose or why the Doctor would like her so much, but I guess they grew on me just enough that once it got around to the finale, I WAS SHIPPING THEM SO HARDCORE. Once they were angsty, I liked them! Well, that's typical. XD

I liked Martha. Yeah, she was a rebound, and actually now that I think of it a lot of the Doctor's hangup on Rose was responsible for the only parts of Martha I disliked. I was really glad for a new Companion after Rose, and there were some situations -- in Human Nature/Family of Blood particularly -- where their relationship was so LOVELY and full of UST that I could almost taste it. It was that episode too that really sold me on David Tennant's Doctor, whereas the first one sold me immediately (he just LOOKS so... ALIEN).

And DONNA. Oh, I adore Donna (and also, her grandfather! sdlfksdkfj HE IS THE CUTEST OLD MAN EVER, not to mention FAR AND AWAY my favorite minor character). She's such a perfect snarky best mate type for the Doctor, so perfect that I ALMOST wished he didn't have the previous love interest -- but again, like I said, I have been convinced of the Doctor/Rose ship now. Also, I think Donna/Jack has potential (AND SOMEONE SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO WRITE THE THREE DOCTORS/JACK HARKNESS IN A HOT FOURSOME -- IF THAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN ALREADY, PLZ PLZ LINK ME!) and WTF was with that really awkward Mickey/Jackie moment there?

DSLKJLSGJFGL; ANYWAY, THE FINALE. Holy crap. I cried, and I never cry at TV! Unless it's because of Winchester angst. I was more attached to Donna and the Doctor than I thought, because GOD, their ending was so bittersweet. I am so glad I had my lovely Vag to cling to while we watched it, that was not something I should have watched by myself.

So remind me, ye olde Dr. Who fans who already know these things -- I know there's an episode coming out at Christmas, but I think Damn (aka Ugly) told me that there were supposed to be movie sequel things. PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS TRUE.

And speaking of Vag, I have promised her one of those incredibly cutesy "OMG LOOK HOW PERFECT MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS" posts (cut to save the more delicate stomachs, I promise) but that will have to wait a bit. Mostly because I'm sort of SAD right now and also still feeling shitty from whatever bug has got me now, and actually seriously considering quitting my job.

The pros? More time to relax before I leave, pack up and get ready for Hawaii, and get my paper done. Also, not worrying so much about responsibilities I can't handle when it's obvious I'm still running at somewhere around 60 or 70 percent. Dear god, I want this thing diagnosed AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so I can get whatever it is the fuck out of my system.

The main con to quitting is my pride. The money would be nice, of course, but it's actually not that much money; it'd end up equaling maybe $150-200 more by the end of the summer and I've already earned more than that. But I hate, absolutely hate, being unable to follow through with things once I make a commitment to them, and this whole health disaster has been plagued with things that I start and can't finish. Yet, I've been absent from work a week, and isn't hanging around sick and not doing anything worse than quitting (if it doesn't mean that they're going to fire me anyway, that is)?

Gah, I don't even know. I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow and what my parents think. The doctor on call that my mother phoned tonight seemed to think that I had some kind of sinus infection, which was causing the headache -- which basically says to me that my immune system has gone to hell, since it's busy trying to destroy my thyroid and fighting off whatever else is wrong with me. That's a comforting thought.

I suddenly and inexplicably miss Vanessa, and Domino, and my great aunt, and all the other people that have died recently. Like, miss them a LOT. I don't know if it's my own fear of what's happening to me or whether some of the themes of loss in the shows/books/movies I've been watching lately have been hitting a chord, or whether I just feel so damn weak -- probably a combination of all of the above -- but I haven't missed them this badly since their respective deaths and anniversaries.

It also might have something to do with the fact that Ezzie has gone home, and there is no longer a snuggly little puppy sleeping on my bed. I am tempted to call Milo in, but he doesn't like sleeping in rooms with the door closed, and plus he takes up half the bed. I don't even want to think about how much I'll miss having a puppy around once I go back to school.

Blargh.

they call her mississippi but she don't float away

2008-07-23T01:14:24Z

I got this from maybe_someday8: Pick 10 people and give them the "you make my day" award in no particular order. If you're picked, you are charged with picking 10 of your own (unless you've already done it).

Augh, picking just ten is SO DAMN HARD, but if I let myself list more, I'd go on for ages. D: If you're on my f-list, though, it's pretty much guaranteed that you've made my day at least once!

1. dark_adrenalynn
2. jairissa
3. el_em_en_oh_pee
4. vaginasaurus
5. uglyduckling_me
6. sir_yessir
7. luxleviathana
8. manhattanprjct
9. kittehkat
10. rose_janice

And um, I'm off to sleep more now (or at least try) so that I can have fun in an hour or so. :D

Stolen from sunnny :D

Go to Urbandictionary.com and type in your answers (or the closest thing to it) to each question in the search box, then write the first definition it gives you.

Your Name (Annalisa):
annaliscious: some hot piece of perfectly sculptured ass
kyla: aiming for some annaliscious tonight
nu: mmm yeah
kyla: dam check out anna she is so annaliscious
nu: dam right

How old are you? (20):
20: location or current status/activity
what's your 20, fool

One of your friends (Ella):
n. The epitome of all that is wonderful.
adj. a style that involves combining strange items, e.g., wearing dogtags, a tiara, knee-high purple boots, and large sunglasses all at the same time.
v. To dance around madly and uncontrollably, often while singing loudly and off-key, associated with eating too much sugar and/or chocolate.
n. That girl is a total ella.
adj. Wow, that skirt is so ella!
v. The girl was ellaing in the middle of the common room and scaring quite a few people.

What should you be doing? (writing an essay):
an excuse commonly used (esp. by males) to justify locking ones self in a room (often bedroom) for the purpose of fulfilling ones daily masturbational quota/to listen to speed garage.
"right then, im off to write an essay."

Favorite Food (uhhh... rice and beans, I guess!):
Husband, wife, significant other. Comes from a staple item to a traditional latin american entree, rice and beans! (similar to mash potatoes in American culture)
"I will ask my rice and beans what our plans are for Saturday."

Hometown (Berkeley, California):

A politically progressive California city of 110,000 across the Bay from San Francisco.

Home of the Free Speech Movement, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Green Day, Counting Crows, and the University of California (Go Bears!) a.k.a. "Cal".

The elements Berkelium (Bk), Californium (Cf), and Americium (Am), among others, were discovered at U.C. Berkeley.

The cradle of the anti-Vietnam war movement (which led to Goveror Ronald Regan tear-gassing his own citizens). Early opponents to the "Patriot Act" and the Iraq war.

First city to:
-- divest (remove investments) from South Africa, accelerating the end of Apartheid.
-- covert its entire diesel fleet to biodiesel fuel.
-- enact a comprehensive smoking ban.
-- voluntarily implement city-wide school busing.
-- implement curb-side recycling.
-- install curb cuts in sidewalks for wheelchairs and bicycles.
-- prohibit the sale of ozone-destroying styrofoan fast-food cups and clam-shell containers.

Barbara Lee, the only U.S. Congressman to vote against giving Pretzeldent Bush the authority to attach Afghanistan and Iraq, represents Berkeley.

Home to the "How Berkeley Can You Be" parade each September.

"When something happens in Berkeley, it spreads." -- Tom Bates (mayor)

IN OTHER WORDS, BERKELEY IS THE COOLEST CITY AT LEAST IN THE US. IT IS TRUFAX. And it is growing, it's way more than 110,000 right now. XP

Word to describe yourself (sick):
1)crazy, cool, insane
2)what one is on a test day
1)man, that trick was sick yo
2)i played sick on my big bio test day

Car you drive (my parents' cars - a Toyota Echo and a Nissan Quest):
Toyota: A great Japanese Car company who makes quality cars(not like fuckin american companies with their POS junkers which break down like shit)
As I drove on the high way, i saw a ford smoking from its hood.
Nissan:
1. In extremely innovative and ground breaking company that slowly began to (until recently) release boring, generic, water-downed, and de-tuned vehicles to North America.

2. A company; that despite tremendous enthusiasm and support, refuses to release outstanding vehicles such as the Skyline, Silvia, and GTi-R in North America.
Instead of the awesome sr20det powered Silvia, I'm stuck with this ka24de powered 240SX P.O.S.

Last person you talked to on the phone (Mom):
The woman who loves you unconditionally from birth, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else.

Just telling her your problems makes you feel better because mom's always know how to make it all go away.

Even if you fight, know that she's just looking out for your best interests.
Where would you be without your mom?

in the midst of the morning pull up a blanket of a cloud

2008-07-22T16:43:49Z

Ahahahaha. This gem that I found on my f-list this morning is for vaginasaurus, whenever she comes home. Ummm, sort of an inside joke (though there are others on my flist who would get it). Like uglyduckling_me, WHO HAD BETTER COME BACK. IT IS NOT OKAY WITH ME THAT YOU DELETED YOUR JOURNAL, UGLY.

Uggghhh I am stuck in bed with a massive headache of migraine proportions (I never get headaches, wtf), a very sore throat, a stomach that seemed fine until breakfast (just my normal cereal, nothing out of the ordinary) when it decided to rebel, and a sore ass from biking yesterday on top of everything else. Appropriate icon is appropriate.

At this rate I'm seriously wondering if I should just quit my job and not have to worry about it, particularly this week when I want to be getting ready for Hawaii, and after Hawaii when I'll need to be doing other health stuff and getting ready to go back to school.

I hate being sick. I hate being long term sick most of all, but this short term stuff (well, it's been going on for a week, but for me that's still pretty short term lately) sucks too.

Dear world,

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, PLEASE.

No love,

Me

the bluebirds flutter in my chest; oh, they want to sing!

2008-07-22T02:37:42Z

I have been a fairly productive prefect/HoH/geek/thing in the last few hours, and now I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel like I should STILL be productive, but all things that are actually important are evading me. I have a week to write my paper and pack up my room so that my parents can get the walls painted while my brother and I are in Hawaii, so why would I do it now? I never work well without having a title of responsibility (i.e. prefect/HoH), a close deadline to put pressure on me, or guaranteed instant gratification/amazing long term results, otherwise things seem unimportant to spend my time on. Which is my excuse for being a lazy ass, really. Sigh.

My mother popped a flat tire on one of the cars while driving home from her camping trip, so I had to bike to the doctor for my appointment and then to the tire shop to get the car, so I was relinquished from dog walking duties for the day. Also, I may be very sore/tired tomorrow, since it is the first time I have gotten that intense of a workout in a long while.

There is a significant lack of delicious sugary things that I'm not supposed to eat in this house. Bah.

Aaaand I'm going back to work tomorrow :|||| I think I can handle it again, but I'm still not really looking forward to it.

On the health front, my appointment today was inconclusive, as I guessed it would be. I was mostly just telling my physician what the endocrinologist had discovered; she doesn't think I look like I have Cushing's, because they have this certain look about them (she called it a "moon face") but I think if she knew what I looked like a couple years ago she'd probably see the difference. My mother thinks that my face/neck have gotten significantly fatter and rounder over the last couple of years, and I agree. (Oh hey, look, I actually have a legitimate reason for using freshman year pictures from college; that's what I'm SUPPOSED to look like! And you guys have seen me on camera, so it's not quite cheating.)

I was about to say that I'm not tired and then I just yawned. Hugely. So maybe I am, and just hyped up on productivity and the closeness of the Hawaii trip and... um... other things. *coVAGugh*

I need new icons, as usual. Non-HP related ones.

Anyone seen any good memes about?

'cause you're my mississippi princess and my california queen

2008-07-21T15:57:10Z

I haven't stopped grinning since yesterday around five, despite the way my mother was pushing my buttons in the morning. I blame that on vaginasaurus, who makes me excited/nervous and happy ~~in my pants~~ even (especially?) when we're just talking about silly things. OH P.S. BB, AT SOME POINT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH QUEER AS FOLK WITH ME? In case I forget to ask you later because you ALWAYS distract me. Because I need to watch more of that. I haven't seen past S2 and I don't even remember much of what happens in the previous episodes. XD

Ahahaha um. Aside from that, I dropped off the last diagnostic test (grossness - but I won't talk about that :|) at the lab today, so when I get back from Hawaii I will have the results. My doctor will know earlier -- oh yeah, and I need to not forget that I have an appointment with my regular physician (not my endocrinologist or nutritionist, for once) this afternoon. I mostly just want to talk to her about the new possibilities if I don't have PCOS, keep her updated, and see what she thinks.

Oh, my genes. Fail health is fail. On top of everything else, I managed to hurt my arm yesterday throwing the ball for Milo, and that's making it slightly achey to type, which is part of why this entry is short. It huuuuurts.

Milo has staked out my bed. When I got home from the lab, he was laying up here and Ezzie was on the floor; when I stopped to pet Ezzie, he whined and of course I had to pet him too. He is so needy with her around, poor puppy. He should know he'll always be my favorite.

I should go eat breakfast now and try to do something productive, heh. My head is up in the clouds today.

EDIT: Milo got exiled from the room by a dog 1/10th his size (I let him back in, not to worry) and I'm curled up in bed, doing absolutely nothing. Haha.

EDIT 2: So that I don't lose this...

David Tennant has really, really nice legs. ♥

these smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun

2008-07-20T18:43:54Z

Talk with mother about health and paper stuff didn't go as badly as expected. She let me off the hook about the paper because I got sick, but she's started planning even farther ahead about health stuff, which is what I've sort of been trying to avoid doing -- speculating about when I'd get surgery and whether I'd be recovered enough to make it back for the first few weeks of school if it had to happen in late August or even early September. I'd much prefer that it happened before my birthday, if it has to happen; of course, depending on the scheduling it may not work out that way. Who knows.

And of course as soon as I said that, she called me away from the computer and started rattling on about how "as soon as I come back, you guys start pulling away, it's like I've created all this tension in the house, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong!" I fucking hate it when she does that because none of us would blame it on her if she didn't, it's just the way we've been more laid back without her here because my dad doesn't try to organize every single minute detail of our lives and ask us "tell me when you're going to have this done, tell me when you're going to work on it, if I let you do something else now, you have to do this later!" I think it should be more than enough that I'm getting my shit done by the deadlines it's required and I shouldn't have to do things by her schedule. And yeah, I'm a procrastinator, but a lot of the time I have a good reason for it (namely: feeling like shit, which was a valid enough excuse for COMING HOME FROM SCHOOL to recuperate, and...)

Gah. I really don't want to rant about that; I didn't want to rant AT ALL, actually, but she puts me in a very, very ranty mood. I try to be tactful and not blame it on her and she always has to say something like "oh, it's MY fault, then?"

I love her, but living with her is driving me absolutely insane. I predicted this: that when she came home, she would upset me, even if I was wrong about the way she did it. When I'm not dealing with my own problems, I'm better able to handle it, but I'm already on the edge of breaking down half the time, and she ALWAYS goes straight for the cracks in my armor. I can't tell whether she does it on purpose or not... I want to think it's just our conflicting personalities, but sometimes it feels like she's intentionally doing the things she knows will upset me.

I really, really hope that this is the last summer I have to live at home, because I don't know how much more I can take of this.

To distract myself, a meme stolen from roomie.

9 Layers Meme:
A meme to peel aways the layers of you.

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Annalisa
-- Birth date: August 29th
-- Birthplace: Berkeley, California
-- Current Location: Berkeley, California

-- Eye Color: hazel that mostly looks brown, except in weird lights
-- Hair Color: brownish reddish blonde that's more blonde now because I put highlights in it when I was in PA with Twin.
-- Height: five feet, five and three quarters inches.
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Virgo. But I'm not the on a search for spiritual fulfillment, obsessively clean Virgo that so many horoscope things describe.

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Ukrainian/Russian/Polish Jewish.
-- The shoes you wore today: I haven't worn any shoes yet today, but I'll probably wear sneakers, cause it's kinda cold outside.
-- Your weakness: the people I really care about, things that I can't control.
-- Your fears: dying (not death, the actual dying/transition/painful/not breathing anymore part), people I love dying, failure, helplessness, being considered weak and stupid (even if only by myself)
-- Your perfect pizza: lots of veggies!
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: I want to be a science journalist, and maybe write a novel. Also, fall in love with someone who loves me back, but that's not really something I can plan for/work towards.

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: probably "tag", when I'm RPing.
-- Your first waking thoughts: UGGGHHH WHY AM I AWAKE!
-- Your best physical feature: Hair, freckles, or eyes, probably. I'm not a big fan of what's going on with the rest of my body right now.
-- Your most missed memory: missed memory? I don't really miss memories :|.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: neither, really; I don't normally drink soda. Although occasionally my mother gets Diet Pepsi and I'll have a few sips.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: neither. D:
-- Single or group dates: I think I'd probably like both.
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas (All Day I Dream About Soccer!). I know they're probably just as bad, but they make the best soccer stuff.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: er... neither. Arizona ftw!
-- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate in most cases. Although I sometimes like vanilla ice cream better.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: caffeinated tea, please.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: nope.
-- Cuss: haha, sometimes.
-- Sing: yes! A lot. Often without realizing it. XD
-- Take a shower everyday: I try, but it usually ends up being more like every other day, except during the soccer season.
-- Do you think you've been in love: not yet.
-- Want to go to college: I really, really did, and right now I would love to be back there. If I could handle it, that is.
-- Liked high school: yes, except for the end of senior year.
-- Want to get married: eventually, I guess. It's not a high priority for me.
-- Believe in yourself: above all else. Which is why it freaks me out so much when I don't know what's going on with me.
-- Get motion sickness: only when I'm already feeling sick.
-- Think you're attractive: I feel like I used to be. Again, sickness is not helping the body image at all.
-- Think you're a health freak: compared to some people, definitely. At least, I'm very picky about organic things and since going to the nutritionist, I've been using egg whites and flaxseed meal in things, and most of the food around my house is very hippie-ish healthy.
-- Get along with your parent(s): most of the time. Doing better with my father lately, though when my father and I fight we fight even worse than my mother and I (albeit less often).
-- Like thunderstorms: YES. Except when they cut Twin's power.
-- Play an instrument: I used to know how to play piano.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: nope.
-- Smoked: nope.
-- Done a drug: unless prescription meds count, nope.
-- Made Out: nope.
-- Gone on a date: nope.
-- Gone to the mall?: nope (but I have been shopping; we don't really do malls in Berkeley).
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: nope.
-- Eaten sushi: yes, just last night. YUM.
-- Been on stage: nope.
-- Been dumped: nope.
-- Gone skating: nope.
-- Made homemade cookies: nope. chasingtides keeps posting delicious looking recipes and tempting me to bake stuff, though.
-- Gone skinny dipping: nope.
-- Dyed your hair: recently, but not in the last month. I'm not dyeing it again until school (assuming that I go back at the very beginning of the year).
-- Stolen Anything: nope.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: er. I think the drunk jenga game we did one time had removing clothes dares, but I never got one.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes, but not enough to make me sick, thankfully.
-- Been caught "doing something": ...er, yes. Groping someone while dancing with them, if that counts; also, making out on a back porch at a party.
-- Been called a tease: no, but I'm pretty sure someone's thought it. I don't mean to be, I just get nervous a lot. D:
-- Gotten beaten up: in a soccer game, if that counts.
-- Shoplifted: yes. Just chapstick and cheap earrings.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: yeah, I did that more when I was younger. Now I just emphasize or deemphasize certain parts of my personality where necessary.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: no clue, and don't particularly care. I'd probably be happy ending up a spinster, or just in a long term relationship without marriage.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 0 children coming from me. If I end up with someone that has ovaries and wants to use them, I'd consider it.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: I don't really have a dream wedding. I'd prefer outdoors though, I guess?
-- How do you want to die: quickly and painlessly, when I'm old enough to have had a good life but not old enough to get senile and weak.
-- Where you want to go to college: Colorado. Now sorta regretting the location, although the school has been awesome.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: happy and successful.
-- What country would you most like to visit: EVERYWHERE. MULTIPLE TIMES.

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: I've had pot tea once.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: could trust, more than ten. Would trust with my life, though, is probably... eight or so.
-- Number of CDs that I own: ... a lot.
-- Number of piercings: one in each ear.
-- Number of tattoos: none.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: a couple of times when I was in an African Dance Troupe (we were the best children's African Dance Troupe in the state; we even performed in front of the Superintendent of State -- not that there were many other African Dance Troupes for children, haha), once for a protest against getting rid of the African-American Studies Department at my high school, and once for a review of a play I was in. I think. There might be more, but these were mostly small papers, and I wasn't quoted or anything.
-- Number of scars on my body: um... one on my knee from roller-blading when I was little, one on my forearm from when I accidentally scratched off my own skin in the process of putting on a shirt. Also, a white spot on my upper arm from getting a shot a long time ago, and there's currently a scratch on my leg, but I think that'll fade.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: only a few very minor things. Only one has been left unresolved, though.

vaginasaurus needs to come home from work and watch Dr. Who with me and cheer me up. Also AHAHAHAHA YOU CHANGED YOUR JOURNAL NAME. Okay, I might be stalking you a little while you're away (TURN AROUND). :D

*sigh*

take it or leave it, lose it or keep it

2008-07-20T02:02:13Z

I snuck a container of mint chocolate creams past my dad at the cash register when we went to Trader Joe's today, and of course now my stomach decides to be all upset (before eating them, bah). Hopefully it'll settle down so I can enjoy my treat.

I'm beginning to think I did actually catch some sort of bug and that it's not all in my head (maybe it's an opportunist, feeding off my stress level) because I think my dad's got it now. And there's no reason why he'd catch stress from me, so... apparently I'm just sick. I don't know whether to be relieved about that or not.

And since I have very little else to say, a meme, stolen from maybe_someday8: write 10 things you would never say to the person or people you mean them for. they can be positive, negative or simply a paranoia you have that is related toward them directly.

1. Sometimes I wonder if you have a crush on me. Most of the time I hope you do. Because I'm not attached to/crushing on you yet, but I think I'm getting there.

2. A lot of the time I think I annoy the hell out of you. Which makes me sad, because I really admire you. (And a lot of the reason I think I annoy you is because that comes across as almost hero-worship, or something. It's not. I just think you're very intelligent and thoroughly enjoy hearing what you have to say. And if I annoy you, I'm really, really sorry.)

3. I haven't had any contact with you in months and don't plan on talking to you again, even though we left it on an awkward note. Honestly, I've got all the closure I need; I don't hate you, but I don't miss you, and all I really feel is apathy. So far you haven't tried to contact me, and I'm hoping it lasts.

4. You have no idea how much I loath you. I don't think you even realized how badly you stabbed me in the back; you didn't seem to think you had done anything wrong. But there's a reason why I don't trust you, or even talk to you, anymore.

5. I'm still carrying a torch for you, even though we were never more than friends. I haven't seen you in years, but I have a feeling you could still make my heart stop.

6. I trust you almost explicitly, but I don't feel like it's returned, and that breaks my heart almost more than if you had betrayed my trust. Sometimes I wish I didn't trust you quite so much.

7. I can't tell which of us has grown apart from the other, or if it's entirely mutual. Sometimes I think it's just me, that I've gone through too much without you to be as close to you as I was before. But on rare occasions you can still amaze me.

8. We've been through unfortunate drama together, but I regret blaming any of it on you. I'm really glad we're still friends and that we've finally figured out where we stand with each other.

9. I resent you for turning to a new group of friends, mostly because I don't like them nearly as much. Most of all, I don't like the person YOU are when you're around them, and I know you're better than that. I'm still your friend, of course, but you don't pay much attention to me (and it affects me more than I'd ever admit to your face).

10. I underestimated you, and never spent the time and energy on you that you deserve. I still don't. I feel really bad for it, and sometimes I feel like I'm trying a bit too hard to make it up to you. (This applies to a couple of different people).

EDIT: Ahhhh, Doctor, stop making me CRY. :(((

la la la la, tra la la la la

2008-07-19T17:34:40Z

I finished rereading The Lovely Bones (yes, I know, slightly morbid) last night. Which is odd, because I started it ages ago; it's taking me forever to finish books anymore. Not because I read any slower, but because I read for smaller amounts of time, and not as often.

I think that's incredibly sad. But next on my list is Silent Spring by Rachel Carson, that ought to engage me.

And the plan I decided upon last night: no work today. No work = more time to write essay, and if that fails, then no work also = time to write a letter to my mother so that I don't have to talk about everything face to face.

My sore throat has not gone away, and though I've been completely faking the fever, I still do feel sick. Pretty sure it's all in my head, but the sleep is nice, all the same.

Ezzie and Milo are getting along better. At least, Milo hasn't done anything except sulk a little and try to eat her food (but in his defense, Ezzie tried to eat his first). We even got them both to cuddle up on the same bed.

My f-list is full of good reviews of The Dark Knight. Clearly, I need to see that movie. And Wall-E. And... there was something else, I think.

Back to bed for a bit, I think, and then work time. *yawn*

Or not. Apparently the cleaning of the kitchen has been left to me. Fun times.

your life in single servings.

2008-07-19T08:06:25Z

Goal #1: to be healthy.

Plan #1: uhh. Working on the diagnosing stuff still. Which now involves an embarrassingly large orange container with some acid in it, apparently.

Goal #2: to go back to college in the fall and finish without failing or having to come home because of health issues again.

Plan #2: accomplish Goal #1.

Dear world,

Please stop turning for a moment. You're going a little too fast for me right now. I'm on deadline for turning in my Latin paper that I can't write, about to have to face a mother that I can't talk to without falling apart, and trying to go to work (which shouldn't be so hard) on top of it all.

Also, this sickness thing? Yeah, it's harder than it looks. This summer was supposed to be getting better and recuperating time, not stress me out even more time. So back off for a bit, please.

No love,
Me.

P.S. I had better be getting every single thing I want out of life once I'm healthy, because this getting in the way thing you're doing is not okay with me.

P.P.S. Oh, and if you could somehow magically fast-forward to Monday without my having to work/deal with my mother so that I could talk to my doctor like NOW, that'd be really appreciated. Kthx.

P.P.P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JARED PADALECKI! You make the world a better place.

Oh yeah, and I finally saw Enchanted. Hilarious movie (although I do wish that at the end, when they'd jumped down the sewer again? They'd just found themselves in the sewer. And lived down there happily ever after, or something). I want icons of it.

Also saw the first half of The Californians before all three of us (me, my brother, and my father) got bored out of our minds. There was a really good song at the beginning of it, though... I'll have to find that. That's my plan for the internet time tomorrow, along with watching Dr. Who (I watched up to The Poison Sky today; tomorrow is The Doctor's Daughter) and... and... damn it, there was something else. OH RIGHT. Finishing sorting at sorting_elite. I fail at even the smallest things, lately.

sdlfkjsdlfkj I do not know what to DO about work and my mother coming home and my unfinished essay! It should be simple, I should just do things because ultimately they'll make me happier (get money, go to Hawaii, etc) but... I don't think I can. I hate having to drop things, I really, REALLY hate it, BUT. :((((((

I don't want everything to be easy, damn it, I just want to be able to get through it even when it's hard :|.

ETA: oh yeah, and you guys, my f-list? Shouldn't feel like you have to say the perfect thing. There is no perfect thing. I just need to vent, s'all, not looking for pity or needing reassurance or pleading for help or... anything. Sorry if it sounds that way. (Though advice, hugs, and cracky comments would not go unappreciated, of course. They never do.)

i think the fever is eating my braiiinz

2008-07-18T17:37:40Z

I have the oddest urge to write next-generation Malfoy gen fic and figure out how I like Scorpius to be.

Even though I don't like Draco/Astoria. At all. But canon has a way of integrating itself into my brain, the more I try to rationalize it. Which makes me wish, again, that the epilogue was not canon. D:

Ummmm. I think I should drag myself down to the lab and then go back to sleep, clearly my head is not in the right place for writing.

Tell me I shouldn't write it. Please.

i get tired of the heart attacks

2008-07-18T05:08:52Z

1. An old family friend stopped by to drop off his dog for us to take care of until Tuesday. She's the sweetest little thing -- not sure what the breed is exactly, but small and adorable pretty much covers it. Also, she can stand on her hind legs. For pretty much ever, or until you give her food and pettings.

Milo doesn't like her much. He got surprisingly territorial when I was petting her, and tried to intimidate her. Well, I say tried to, but he DID. Or at least, he managed until we grabbed him and put him outside. He's such a large, intimidating dog -- I don't think he'd ever actually hurt her, but when he's got his hackles up and he starts barking? Yeah, I can't blame her for being scared. It was probably because I'm out of commission and didn't take him for a walk the past few days, so he's antsy. Seemed like they did okay when they went on a late walk, though, and now the cute little girl's all curled up on my bed.

Seriously, doesn't that seem vaguely like... I dunno, karma? Not that I believe in that sort of thing, but... have an emotional breakdown, get a teeny tiny little sweet puppy that seems to like me best of all my family (better than the boys, at least) delivered right to my doorstep. I so needed something to snuggle, and she's missing her family, so she needs the snuggles too.

Somebody up there likes me.

2. I think I should go in to work tomorrow. Uhh, I tried to call in today, but didn't get an answer, and then I fell back asleep and didn't wake up until after work was over. Hope they're not mad at me... but you know, if I get fired? I don't think I really care.

3. Doesn't look like the essay will be done by Saturday at this rate. Unless I work all tomorrow, maybe. Ugh. Maybe mom will let me off for having a crazy freak out? I can argue it, at any rate. But I should probably get at least some of it done so that I have a better case.

4. I've been trying to write, to work on my NaNoWriMo. Sometimes it helps if I channel emotion into writing muses -- not my emotion, necessarily, but put emotion into them and then change it in the story to make the character (and myself) feel better. Writing hasn't been going so well, though. Only Draco!muse is active, damn him; he's always active, and currently pining over Morag. Which makes him no use, either.

5. It's really amazing how easily I can fool my father into thinking I'm alright. Well, not alright, but all I've told him is that I'm feeling sick. He doesn't know how much I've been freaking out. But I've shut down now, waiting until I have a better outlet - or until I break, I suppose, whichever comes first.

6. All this time to myself has been spent watching Dr. Who. I really, really liked season 3! All the new things they did with time, the way the episodes got less and less... I don't know, routine. I am looking forward to a new doctor though -- not that I don't like David Tennant, or anything.

And, yeah. The amazing thing? I was hooked even before they said "parthenogenesis" (in 4x1, Partners In Crime), but if I hadn't been, I would be now. I love a show that can make me geek. (Even if I don't understand half the other things the Doctor says.)

It almost make me miss the odd Doctor in thedressingroom, and the even weirder Draco that was in love with him or had been his Companion or something. Draco as a companion makes no sense to me, but I have the oddest urge to write the Doctor/Luna Lovegood. Or maybe Cedric Diggory. Writing muse, come baaaaack!

7. I do not get what all the Dr. Horrible buzz is about. Come to think of it, I'm not really sure why people worship Joss Whedon, either, but I think that's probably blasphemy. Fortunately, I like being blasphemous.

8. I love you guys. Really. Thanks for your thoughts. ♥!

she's been wishing on the stars so bright, for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight

2008-07-17T22:15:21Z

Okay, yeah, so, in case it wasn't obvious, I'm falling apart. Hello, breakdown.

It's not so much the fact that by the slimmest chance, I might have cancer (although, granted, that doesn't help) so much as... I'm back to NOT KNOWING. Back to the "what the hell's wrong with me?" stage. It's more frightening than a diagnosis. (That personality test I took was really accurate - fear of not knowing. I literally have to know what it is before it kills me.)

Yet, I haven't worked up the courage -- well, courage isn't the right word -- to go down to the lab. I haven't gone into work, either. I've barely gotten out of bed, just like I was doing before, at the end of the semester. This kind of tiredness, it's all in my head. But I can't get out of my head.

I just want to know what's wrong, what needs to be done to fix it, and how far I have to go for this to be over. I want to know how strong I have to be. I don't care what it takes, as long as I know what it takes.

To top things all off, Milo's barking his head off at everything that passes the window, and looking at me pleadingly every time I go out there because he can tell I'm upset. He thinks it's because of him.

And I got the perfumes that I ordered from the Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, the samples. They were supposed to be fun and experimental and make me feel pretty even if I accidentally put too much on.

I fucking hate the way editing an LJ entry takes you to the stupid "Your entry has been edited" page. I was really okay with it just going back to the entry! It's so small, and shouldn't even bother me, but...

I am so not in the mood.

sleep all day and party all night

2008-07-17T16:49:08Z

Home sick again, blah. I kinda wonder how much of this is in my head?

But I don't really want to talk about that anymore. SO ANYWAY...

I joined Team Fanfic over at the Fanficcers vs. Fanartists meme here (way late, I know). But fanficcers are TOTALLY THE HOTTEST OF THE HOT, AND HERE IS MY PROOF.

Whee, that was fun. Time to pass out again. <3

on a lighter note

2008-07-16T19:37:32Z

livelongnmarry has officially raised more than $30,000 to keep gay marriage legal in California, and the numbers are still climbing! AHHHHH I LOVE FANDOM. I am so proud to be part of it, even though I only contributed $50 myself and the winning bids on my stuff didn't add up to more than that, I don't think. Still! Isn't that fucking amazing?

I passed out again after posting the last entry and then spent a good hour or so posting the hp_traditions reveal, and changing the ??? on the author's names to their lj name. If you are interested in the fic I wrote for the fest, links are below.

sldfkjsdfjk FANDOM. ♥

Here, have some fic:

Title: Sticks and Stones
Author: hecticity
Gift For: dark_adrenalynn
Pairing(s): Draco Malfoy/Morag MacDougal
Summary: Draco Malfoy's life was a series of trials, one right after another, and even after they were over they haunted him in his dreams. Until he married Morag.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Requested Kinks: not epilogue compliant, mentions of torture, het, arranged marriage
Author's Notes: I tried to be really sneaky about this one and write something that wouldn't be obviously from me. I'm not sure how well I succeeded, but it was a fun exercise, all the same. XD

&

Title: Unsung
Author: hecticity
Gift for: riot_grrrl_ria
Pairing: Ginny/Luna
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~3200
Summary: Ginny is slipping through the cracks in her carefully constructed reality.
Warnings: not epilogue compliant in that Ginny is not with Harry.
Author's notes: First of all, thanks to my beta, jairissa. All characters belong to JKR, &tc; title and quoted lyrics (only a few lines: this is not a songfic) are Vanessa Carlton's. To my giftee: I'm sorry to have this in for you so late, but I hope you enjoy it.

About the traditions requested and the way I used them: I included Buddhist meditation and moon symbolism, taking the interpretation of the tarot moon card: the Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition (quoted from this page). However, drawing from my own experience with meditation, I used it as an almost customizable tradition, something that's different for everyone, and not necessarily needing to follow strict rules or techniques. They were... Luna- and Ginny-ified to fit the plot, is what I'm trying to say, essentially.

you won't get better 'til you're worse

2008-07-16T16:32:16Z

Despite Dr. Who, tea, chocolate fudge sauce and strawberries, and even a bit of Supernatural, I think I managed to freak myself out more than I thought. I feel like I ran a (mostly emotional) marathon instead of sleeping.

So yeah, I called in sick to work. Idk what my dad will think of that, since he didn't know I was freaking out, but... I'll probably lie.

Now I'm up early, because I still have the alarm to take meds at the right time, and I just want to go back to sleep. I should probably drag myself down to the lab at some point to get the blood tests done, but the endocrinologist didn't say they had to be done in the morning, so I'm having trouble motivating myself to get out of bed again after eating breakfast.

I wish I could fast-forward to July 28th when I leave for Hawaii, and somehow have taken the blood and urine tests and done my Latin paper before then. Speaking of the paper, do you think I can get away with not being completely done when my mom comes home? Probably not, not without telling her how much this freaked me out.

I don't know, though. I'm not trying to scare myself more, but Cushing's disease fits, it really does. It would explain everything, plus a few things that weren't even worrying before. But maybe that's just because I want it to fit.

I'm going to be a mess until I know for sure, I can tell.

ETA: Apparently I do actually have a fever, so at least I didn't lie to my boss. Looks like I managed to make myself even sicker :|

i love you guys.

2008-07-16T06:09:23Z

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Seriously, sometimes I don't know what I'd do without LJ. It's kind of sad, but having a journal and a supportive f-list has helped me process problems that I can't talk to people face to face or even on the phone about, and I wouldn't have gotten through them with as much left if I didn't have this outlet.

I bonded with the majority of you over being HP or SPN geeks, and you've been fabulous friends. I do my best to keep up with all of you and help you the same way you do me, though sometimes I feel like I fall short. Mostly because you guys deserve so much, and well. I don't always have that much to give.

I love all of you, though. Seriously. ♥

i will not die, i will survive

2008-07-15T23:24:29Z

Health update is slightly good and slightly terrifying.

First off: remember the endocrinologist I was seeing, and how I was so annoyed that my mother made me go and see him? Now I'm really glad I did. He's making way more progress with this than my physician, and my nutritionist obviously isn't ordering tests, though her advice has significantly improved my energy level and mood since I went to see her.

The shocker: I apparently don't have high testosterone. I have high total testosterone, but the free testosterone (testosterone that is active in the blood stream, and not bound to an inactivating protein) is actually on the LOW side of normal.

Which rules out the PCOS diagnosis, essentially, though Dr. O'Connor (my endocrinologist) is double-checking and doing another test of total testosterone and free testosterone (they've been tested separately in the past), just to be sure. Just for the double-checking, I love him. Um, not in that way -- he's actually kind of old and unattractive and also married -- but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

But then, if I don't PCOS, that bears the question: what do I have? There's obviously SOMETHING wrong other than the thyroid; that balanced out a while ago and I'm still having trouble. I have not lost weight. I haven't been really feeling energetic up until the past few weeks, and still not fully at 100%. Then there's the matter of my periods; something messed those up, and even without PCOS, they still need to be regulated, because going without and then having a month-long period isn't fun and really can't be healthy.

And this is the part that scares me a little. In the last blood work, I was tested for cortisol, and it was high. However, the test was really to determine low cortisol, and so the high reading can't be considered definitive yet; I'm scheduled for a 24 hour urine test to see if there is actually extra cortisol in my bloodstream.

Because if I do? Then I have Cushing's disease. Which means something's fucked up with my pituitary, and from what I've read, it means there's an abnormal growth there. It can be either an adenoma (benign growth), or a malignant tumor.

The endocrinologist didn't seem to want to tell me exactly what the high cortisol might mean; I'm now assuming it's because he doesn't want me getting freaked out (like I sort of am now) that I might have cancer. Or even if I don't have cancer, there might be a benign growth in my pituitary gland that would need to be removed.

The scariest part, though, is that the list of symptoms -- while I don't have all of them -- includes things that I didn't even realize COULD be symptoms. Namely, purplish pink stretch marks may appear on the abdomen, thighs, buttocks, arms and breasts. I've just chalked them up to stretch marks in the past -- after all, I have been gaining weight at an abnormal rate -- but I definitely have those. Also, menstrual periods may become irregular or stop, and most people have severe fatigue, weak muscles, high blood pressure and high blood sugar. Irritability, anxiety and depression are common. I can rule out high blood pressure and blood sugar, as well as anxiety (I don't feel like I've been more anxious than normal), but the "irritability" listing makes me wonder if some of the annoyances I've had with my mother are not so normal after all.

I know I can't know anything for a while -- I'm currently on my period, so the 24 hour urine test can't happen for a few days at least, and Dr. O'Connor said that it'll take a while to get the results even after that, but I can't shake the feeling that I really do have Cushing's disease. It's probably not the cancerous kind -- I've been told by both my CO doctor and my physician here in Berkeley that they're not worried about cancer, since I'm not bruising or fracturing bones -- but there still might be something abnormal growing inside me.

I've heard cancer patients say that before, and that they didn't even care about how horrible the treatment was as long as it got the growth out, but I've never really understood how that could feel until now. I also thought I'd gotten to the point where I've started getting apathetic towards diagnoses, and getting able to be more patient about waiting for more information, but I'm more than a little bit terrified right now.

I think I should be officially excused from doing anything productive today, y/n?

a quarter and a kiss is all it should be worth to you

2008-07-14T20:45:02Z

So I actually slept in this morning. To... uh... 9:30 am. Go me.

Around 11:00, I biked up to the library (yes, I used my bike -- I almost never use my bike! But I found my bike lock finally, just in time to take it to CO with me for my senior year) and borrowed some geeky books. The Berkeley Public Library is waaaay bigger than my college library - the Central branch alone is more than 3x as large. Of course, it doesn't have quite as good a selection of geeky books, but I did make a few choice finds that will help me with my Latin paper. It's down to the wire on the paper; if I don't finish it by Saturday my mother will cancel my Hawaii trip. Yes, she resorted to threats! WHAT. I am still recuperating. D:

And since I got there earlier than it opened, I spent some time on Shattuck buying myself lunch and some more pink hair dye; I am now trying to decide whether to dye hair now or wait until I get back to school. So, a poll:

View Poll: #1223305

Not sure this is quite accurate. I guess it's me on my better days?

Your result for Which Chess Piece are You Test?...

The King's Knight

The King’s Knight is spontaneous and active. They get great satisfaction from acting on impulse. This usually means thrill and risk can be quite exciting. If they are stifled by rules, they may end up feeling ‘dead’ inside. They look for the ‘tick’ behind the clock without the need for verbal cues. Oddly enough, this Knight deeply respects and admires anyone who can best them.

The King's Knight is a 'do-er', naturally impatient with discussion. They seek to live in the moment and are great improvisers. Because of this they are quite capable at bringing ideas or concepts to fruition. They often prefer practical organizational issues. Because they seek to make things happen, they may act too quickly with the appearance of not thinking things through.

They are the best at manipulating others. This usually means that they can convince others to a like-minded position and thus the King would love to have this Knight by their side. They are concrete with their form and speech and are seen as smooth operators. They could be seen as self-promoters and great salesmen of ideas. They are gifted at earning trust. But they are also gifted at applying common sense to any issue. They will maintain acute awareness of factual information during discussions and will guide tangents back on course. The King's Knight is outgoing, charming and fun. They know the 'who's who' and where the socially sophisticated reside and play. They are action oriented and deplore unnecessary diplomacy. They want life to be simple, but realize it isn't.

Take Which Chess Piece are You Test? at HelloQuizzy

I mean, I guess I like action; I sometimes find thrill and risk exciting, but much prefer to go into that sort of thing with at least some thought in it. The respect and admiration for people who can best me, though, is entirely true, as is the part about acute awareness of factual information in discussions and deploring unnecessary diplomacy.

Fic: Semper Fi [Voldemort/Bellatrix, Rodolphus/Bellatrix; NC-17]

2008-07-14T16:49:46Z

Last chance to bid on me over at livelongnmarry! I'm now offering 5,000 words of fanfiction, betaing services, RPing advice, and Missing Scene crack!fic from Harry Potter. Check it out! The bidding closes at 12:01 am, Pacific time, July 15.

Also, I have more fic for you guys to enjoy. This one I picked up as a pinch-hit at hpdesmutathon, and not two days after I took the pinch hit, the recipient showed up in loyal_badger and friended me! slytherati, I'M LOOKING AT YOU. I hope you enjoyed your present. :)

Yeah, I wrote a lot of Bellatrix for the DE fest. XD

title: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
author: hecticity
giftee: slytherati
pairing: Voldemort/Bellatrix, Bellatrix/Rodolphus
rating: NC-17
word count: ~1520
summary: His disappearance had been the ultimate test of his followers' loyalty, and many had fallen short. Not she, though. Bellatrix would always be faithful to him.
warnings/chosen kinks: powerplay, mentions of torture, forced submission (without bloodplay or bondage, as requested), Unforgivables, hate sex
author's note: Thanks very much to my beta, dark_adrenalynn; any remaining mistakes are mine alone.

"Bellatrix."

The voice was soft, almost gentle, but it sounded far too loud to Bellatrix's ears. Her every nerve felt overly sensitive, veins on fire.

Cool fingertips touched her chin, forcing her head to tilt up. It wasn't until she felt his breath flutter on her eyelashes that she realised her eyes were closed. As if he had commanded her to, she opened them.

"Good morning," he said, the hint of a smirk twitching at the corners of his mouth. "How are you feeling?"

The simple question made her more aware of every single ache in her body -- the pounding of her heart against her temple, the stiffness of her muscles, and an ache near her ribs, not to mention the fried tingling of the skin on her fingertips. She took stock of it all, noticing too the cool chair beneath her and the hard stone of the floor beneath her feet. And most of all, his presence. He exuded power like body heat, and the adrenaline of it seeped into her veins.

She smiled.

.:.

Pain, Bellatrix soon discovered, was not something to be avoided. Only the weak cast spells on others that they would not endure themselves, and she would never be weak.

She knew the fire of the Cruciatius in her veins; her nerves had very nearly grown accustomed to it. She had withstood the pain of losing her father and her youngest sister, and she bore the frustration of having a husband that was below her without showing it.

It wasn't Rodolphus' fault, after all. Not his fault that she would humble herself before no one but her Lord.

Of course, when she returned home shaking with elation -- and possibly partially because of what she had endured -- she would get irritated with him, because he did not understand. He knew how to inflict pain (one of his saving graces, in Bellatrix's opinion) but he only underwent it when he had no other choice; he did not appreciate her training. He could not comprehend the adrenaline rush of feeling everything, the way torture could make one feel alive if one surrendered just enough. He never understood, because he had not undergone such training himself.

But Rodolphus never complained when she shoved him against the nearest flat surface, horizontal or vertical, and fucked him mercilessly until the ache between her legs went away. And he never knew that it wasn't the sight of him that whet her appetite so, but the look in her Lord's eyes when he looked at her -- and especially when he raised his wand against her.

.:.

He liked to play her against her husband. Bellatrix knew it was a test of her faith, and also of her skill with deception; she walked a fine line between her loyalty to her husband and her utter devotion to her Lord. He knew, he had to know the effect he had on her: it was in the way she looked at him, a way she never looked at her husband. Except for when she imagined that he was her Lord, instead.

"Bellatrix," said Voldemort. She looked at him with dark eyes, waiting patiently to hear what he required of her this time. "Are you ready to serve me?"

Bellatrix felt her breath catch for a moment, dangerously; she was unable to help reading more into the simple words than he had intended. "I am, My Lord."

Voldemort smiled, and then his gaze slid to the right to look at Rodolphus and his brother. "And your husband?"

"He is also ready," Bellatrix said, eager to offer him for her Lord's services. But she glanced at Rodolphus, including him with a small smile. "Though he might wish to speak for himself."

"I'm ready," Rodolphus agreed, slinging one arm around her waist. Bellatrix's expression tightened for a moment, but she made sure her husband didn't see it.

.:.

The Longbottoms' eyes had rolled back in their heads, and it was difficult to tell if they were even breathing any longer. Bellatrix, on the other hand, had not felt so alive since her Lord had disappeared, yet she was still frustrated -- their search had yielded nothing. There was a gleam in Rodolphus's eyes, but he was looking at Bellatrix instead of at their victims.

"Look so good when you're angry," he growled, grabbing hold of her shoulders. Bellatrix had a split second to be annoyed before the crack of Apparition, and she was being pressed roughly against the wall of their parlour.

She lashed out when his mouth latched on to her neck, fingernails leaving red streaks on his throat and shoulders. To her great annoyance, he only took this as encouragement, and ripped eagerly at her clothes until they were gone.

Bellatrix had always understood the correlation between pain, torture, and sex -- she thrived on it -- but anger as a turn-on took her by surprise. She used anger to fuel her curses, she didn't fuck people she hated. But though she could not have been more angry with her husband at that moment, her mouth betrayed her: angry sounds came out breathless and hoarse, like cries of pleasure.

He was inside her, then, and she didn't even have her fantasies to cling to, because the man she truly loved was gone. That thought brought tears of frustration to her eyes, and she submitted with a harsh sound, letting the pleasure of it take her over for a moment.

As she came, she screamed, "My Lord!"

.:.

It was just as well that she had been sentenced to Azkaban, Bellatrix reflected. She barely talked to Rodolphus anymore, and she had failed in finding a way to resurrect her Lord. It was not the reason why the Wizengamot was punishing her this way, but it was fitting.

She took to staring at the prison wall, not really seeing the bare grey stone. It was just a wall, a physical barrier between her and the things she had to do to bring him back.

The thought of him kept her safe from the Dementors; mostly, though she was more than a little bit insane to begin with. She didn't care about the cold, nor about her happy thoughts, only determination. After his training, even a soul-sucking creature that turned endless people into drooling, mindless lunatics could not bring her down.

Eventually the creatures even gave up on her after a while. She was too angry, her thoughts too violent -- it was not their prime choice of food. She sometimes got the feeling that they knew her, too -- even recognised her as another of the Dark Lord's servants. It was difficult to tell whether it was her imagination or not, but she got the impression that they knew she was his most faithful and devoted, and as such chose to leave her be.

So she was left alone with her thoughts, dwelling in her memories. On her good days, she'd run at the wall until her skin ached, scratch her skin until she could very nearly imagine it was his doing, and every once in a while -- on the really good days -- her hand would slip between her legs, too.

In Azkaban, she drove herself mad.

.:.

There was new respect for her in his eyes when he saw her again. Bellatrix knew why: many of his supposedly faithful Death Eaters had attempted (successfully, in some cases) to avoid jail. His disappearance had been the ultimate test of his followers' loyalty, and many had fallen short--Not she. Bellatrix would always be faithful to him.

He promised her anything she desired in reward; he must have known exactly what she would say. There had only ever been one thing she wanted.

"To serve you, My Lord," she said breathlessly, undone by the curve of his pale fingers around his wand and the redness of his eyes. "I would be by your side through it all, and serve you proudly long after victory is ours."

He smiled then -- a different smile from before, on a new face, but it was still his smile. Bellatrix basked in it.

"Only the most faithful or the best liar would ask me for such a thing," he said, considering her. "You, Bellatrix..." He paused, drawing out the name, until Bellatrix was very nearly on the verge of squirming. "You have always been the most faithful."

"And I always will be, My Lord," she answered, heart beating furiously against her ribcage in anticipation. "Always."

"Then you shall have what you want," he said. The tip of his wand touched her chin, tilting her head up. She met his red eyes with her dark ones, barely able to breathe. "Since it is what I desire most for you, as well."

When the curse hit, Bellatrix shuddered, but she didn't scream. The pain was a caress, and she lost herself in it, what she'd been craving all these years.

She was faithful until she died.

KEYSMASH OF UTTER FANGIRLISH GLEE

2008-07-14T01:56:26Z

I promised myself I would cut down to two posts per day or less, starting today (SORRY! I'll start tomorrow, I swear), but dslkds;gsf; THIS. An HP convention in SAN FRANCISCO! Somewhere I might actually be able to GO!

sldkgjdfgjlkfgj I so need to start saving RIGHT NOW OMG. I will hold an effing bake sale if I have to.

Who's coming with me? AND WHAT SHOULD WE DRESS UP AS? This needs to be planned immediately, I am too excited at the sheer possibility of actually being able to make it to the con. (So jealous of all you lucky Portus people, grrrrr.) PEOPLE NEED TO COME WITH ME. I CAN HOUSE YOU IF YOU NEED A PLACE TO STAY (we'll kick my parents out for the weekend and take over my house, if I don't have my own place by then).

Btw, dark_adrenalynn, el_em_en_oh_pee, and jairissa, you are required to come with me. Even if I have to save up and pay for your plane AND con tickets. Unless you have something incredibly and infinitely cooler to be doing, but I don't think that's POSSIBLE.

I will be back in Berkeley next summer, even if only for that weekend. I WILL BE.

And someday I will go to a Supernatural con too. One of those needs to come to San Francisco, too. *nods*

Um, yeah. What was I doing? Oh right. Trying to organize/consolidate my fic tags. ... Meh.

I'm probably overexcited about this. But I have wanted to go to one of these things ever since I knew they existed. :D